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December 24, 2010 / Ryan Edward Roberts

The Slow Creep of Pepsi Tyranny


I was raised on Coke. So was Abraham Lincoln. Coca Cola is deeply a part of the fabric of American society. Today, however, we face a growing threat to our culture, and indeed our very freedoms from a “company” that exists only to destroy all we love and hold dear. PepsiCo.

When Thomas Jefferson was writing the Declaration of Independence, he asked for a drink, as it was very hot that summer. He had just penned the words “life, liberty..” and was trying to find another phrase to describe human rights. Now it is a well-documented fact in American history, or so I have been told, that at this point Benjamin Franklin gave Tom a tall bottle of his newest invention – Cocaina Colanum, as he called it. Thomas held the cold bottle against his sweaty forehead, smiled, and penned “…and the pursuit of happiness”. We can thank God and Coca Cola for our freedoms!

The Founding Fathers understood Coke was the real thing. The American people felt so strongly about it that there were hundreds of laws written at all levels of government concerning the consumption of this American nectar. Congress was obligated to subsidise its production. In fact, some southern states passed laws requiring that coke be served at all public gatherings. During the Civil War, the Georgia legislature went so far as to require that all male infants be put on a strict coca cola diet by 3 months of age so as to help raise a strong futuristic army. Once these “Dixie-Cokers”, as they were known, had grown teeth they were switched to a 50-50 blend paste of Coke and possum meat.

During the Berlin Airlift after WWII, President Truman sent more than 847,000 barrels of coke to Berlin to encourage the residents to remain strong against Russian communism. Today, many historians believe that if it had not been for this “Coke-Rain” all of Europe may have fallen to those filthy commies.

Yet today, we face unspeakable atrocities against our beloved freedom drink. First, in the 1960’s, it was the hippies who would drink Pepsi in order to enhance the effects of heroin. By the late 1970’s, just as hippies were then permitted to live among us, Pepsi was allowed to be served in public!

Today as you travel across America, there are large swaths of territory that are now Pepsi-only country. I just left the airport in Cleveland, where Coca Cola is not permitted to be sold! Really. Many small businesses only serve Pepsi out of fear for the roaming Pepsi goons that terrorize businesses that serve Coke.

I remember when Coca Cola used to  produce their annual Christmas Coke bottles, but are now only available in cans because of threats from those Pepsi “blue shirt” mobs. Pepsi recently introduced their own version – the “Happy Move On.org Day” organic glass bottle embossed with a hammer and cycle, with a twist of hemp.

Time for a Coke Revolution, I say.

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